Have you ever been unmade? Truly?
Your truths, values and expectations crumbling beneath you as it all turns to dust? To doubt what you have made so far. To feel as if your eyes had been blind as you are finally beginning to see. Wondering what on earth might come next?
It is a most humbling experience.
Late winter has, traditionally, been a time where I have fallen into depression and hopelessness. Shameful as though it may be, it is true, but I did not realise this myself until last summer. Now that I knew I ventured into the season apprehensivly, wondering how it might unfold now that I was aware of it. After spending an entire summer and autumn, seeing the beauty in things. Trying to be kinder.
So far it has been better than I ever remember. Better, but different. The world has a different colour. Discussions have a different meaning. Things I remember scoffing and laughing at five years ago have become natural and a reality. What I thought I wanted is fading away. Is that really what I want? I can do more, kinder, better. But how? How can I truly, best make the world a better place?
It is not just about me and my talents any more.
What can I do? Truly.
Is my work still best done as a chemist? Do I cast the chemist away for more humanitarian work? More environmental work? Less pay for more direct effect? More pay which can be donated to a good cause? Meaningful work?
What is meaningful work?
How can I best achieve it? With my quirks and social awkwardness, how? I thought it would be in a lab that I can help people the most.
But that is comfortable. That is safe. After all, if it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.
This post has no final point or clever punch line. I’m just trying to think out loud. I seem to be doing a lot of that these days.